What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
