I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
