come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
