My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
