My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
