1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
