Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
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