literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
