I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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