soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
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