I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize