I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
