I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize