Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
splinters make it hard to masturbate
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
