pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
