i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
