In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
