Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
