I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
