I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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