I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
