grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
what day is it and did you see me today?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
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