Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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