There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
