Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
