God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
