my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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