He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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