mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
