We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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