those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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