Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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