I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
