Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
