It's like a parade of train wrecks.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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