I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize