You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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