That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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