woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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