Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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