i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize