I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
