Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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