feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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