Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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