i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
