I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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