My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
