found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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