Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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