Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
