I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize