farters have to be the big spoon...
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
