not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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