he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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