Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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