oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize