I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
