If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Randomize
