Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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