you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
