he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
