Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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