I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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