I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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